HERE WE GO!!!!

7 hours and I will be on the plane heading to Jersey!! I am beyond excited! I have not slept for the past three nights but I think I will finally get a couple hours, I am starting to get tired!!!

My Friend, I have no idea what this trip will hold, what difficulties I face nor all the Joys I am about to experience, but I know Your hand is guiding it all. Please help me to make the best of everything and teach me. Help me to be open and listen with my heart. Please help me learn how to meditate and pray.

This is going to be crazy, seven whole weeks… wow. I have a lot to learn. Please give me the strength and the energy to complete all my tasks to 110%. I know I am not perfect but please help me to avoid any possible errors. Help me to bring You to the kids I will be with everyday and let me be open enough for them to bring You to me.

Thank you my Friend for this opportunity, You know I need this. What I learn in these next couple of months please help me to carry with me everyday, even while at college. Please don’t let me falter. I trust in You, without reserve. I am Yours, tear me down and build me up. Use me so I may be your pumpkin, Your Hands and Your Feet.

I’m ready and willing.

“BE STRONG IN THE LORD. NEVER GIVE UP HOPE. YOUR GONNA DO GREAT THINGS, I ALREADY KNOW. GOD HAS HIS HAND ON YOU SO DON’T LIVE LIFE IN FEAR. FORGIVE AND FORGET BUT DON’T FORGET WHY YOUR HERE. TAKE YOUR TIME TO PRAY AND THANK GOD FOR EACH DAY. HIS LOVE WILL FIND A WAY. . . . LAST TIME WE SPOKE YOU SAID YOU WERE HURTING AND I FELT YOUR PAIN IN MY HEART. I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I KEEP ON PRAYING LOVE WILL FIND YOU WHERE YOU ARE.”

-Side Walk Prophets: These are the Words I Would Say.

______________________________

Today is the day my grandma died two years ago on a rainy night. Its raining right now but I know when the sun rises its going to be glorious. I still really miss you and love you Grandma, you better be celebrating your afterlife birth date!!

Lately I started reading again which I haven’t done in two years. The other day I baked which I haven’t done a whole lot of since my grandma hasn’t been around. My toast still won’t turn out anywhere near as good as hers, I don’t know what her secret is! I have finally let go for the most part. I still really miss my grandma’s laugh and her warm welcome’s. I miss talking to her and baking with her. I miss watching Golden Girls and Murder, She Wrote with her. I turned on Golden Girls last week and was cracking up; there was a day when I turned it on and they were showing all the episodes my grandma and I watched the last time we were together, it was bitter sweet.

I know you are in good hands now, please watch over us and keep our family together, it’s not the same. I love you and still wish more than anything I could give you that hug I never did, but one day. Separated by lifetimes, but forever in my heart.

Expect the Unpexpected!

My reflection for the WYD newsletter:

In less than two months we will all be packing our bags and heading off to experience the pilgrimage of a lifetime: World Youth Day. When I first heard about it a couple years ago, my joy shot through the roof, I couldn’t believe that I actually had the chance to go. Even though the past two years have been weighted down with monthly payment deadlines, we have finally made it; we can now sit back and enjoy the ride! Instead of focusing on the monetary aspect of this pilgrimage, we can finally turn our attention to the true spirit of it all, being “Rooted and built up in Christ, Steadfast in our Faith.” For those of us who have been a part of this journey for the past two years and for those of us who just joined, we are incredibly blessed; God has a lot in store for us if we open our hearts and minds to Him.

I honestly have no expectations for this pilgrimage, I don’t know what’s coming and I have no idea what this journey will be like. However, I am thrilled beyond words. To each of us, this journey will be something unique, God will speak to each of us through our own spirituality; maybe in the quiet, maybe in the music, or in the culture, or maybe in a random passerby, but ready or not, He will be knocking. The question each of us must then answer is, “Am I willing to let Him in?” This journey does not last for only ten days but a lifetime. What each of us takes home from this pilgrimage is up to us and how open we are. For those willing to answer, all I can say is “Expect the unexpected!”

Lead Me Lord, to the Light of Truth…

“Lead me Lord, Lead me Lord, to the light of Truth. To seek and to find the narrow way. Be my way, be my truth, be my guide my Lord, and lead me Lord today.”

13 more days and i will be in Jersey, i am SUPER EXCITED!!! Last summer was crazy; i have no clue what the Lord has in store for me in these next couple of months but even through the hardships i know i will find true Joy.

My Friend i am so unsure of where life is leading me and i so badly want to give you a confident yes.  I don’t know why i keep dwelling on becoming a nun, but i know the clarity will come with every small step, whether this is where you truly want me or whether i am just suppose to stay close to the Sisters. For now, all i can say is yes to the everyday and be Your Hands and Feet.

I don’t know what to do; Guide me Lord, my life is in Your Hands.

I Promise.

When i left on Friday, Sr. Mary didn’t say goodbye, she said i’ll pick you up at the airport!

She left for up north yesterday.. since she told me the news i keep wondering how hard it is for her to leave this home she has known for five years. As a sister this would be the first re-assignment she has had. I imagine it would be a bit difficult to have to just pick up, say good bye to new found family/ friends and the community of sisters you’ve been living with and just go. That’s the sacrifices she and others have to make as religious.

Devoting your life to God and trusting in your superiors i would find to be on one hand rough and on the other freeing. You have to trust their judgment in where they place you and the new position you are about to undertake, whether you feel prepared or not. Yet, at the same time if you are whole heartedly able to trust, i could see it being more of a breeze as you go where life leads you.

I’m still not sure how i feel about it or if i am called to live this life. This is the first move of sisters i have had to deal with and its difficult. Today’s Mass though was about trusting in God and letting Him be your guiding strength. It was perfect. There was also a message in their about how He doesn’t expect us to be perfect which was quite uplifting since i lost count of how many times i messed up when doing different tasks this past week… Between writing in permanent marker on the dry erase board, to messing up dates and numbers on forms and exams, to laughing during a solemn part of prayer… the list goes on.

Another analogy i heard though is how every time we mess up a rock is placed in our back pack, but God does not want to only remove these rocks, He wants to take the back pack completely off our shoulders. It such an awesome image, we don’t have to live in fear of our mistakes and the uncertainties of the future because God promised He would take care of us. Whether we believe it or not, God will prove time and again the truth of His promise.

However, at the same time it is written that there will be hardships, that we have to pick up our Cross and follow Him, so even though life isn’t going to be always easy, He is still looking after our best interest and we have to trust in Him through the pain of goodbyes, through the pain and sorrow of death and through the uncertainties in our every day.

The Sisters are such a great example of this trust and whether or not that is where God leads me i still need to learn this lesson because my life still rests in His hands.

Another Goodbye..

This one was unexpected, in a way.

Sr. Mary told me last week she would be leaving Villa at the end of the school year because her new assignment was teaching at the all girl’s high school up in Jersey. I just looked at her and listened when she told me the news. As it sunk in throughout the day i tried so hard to hold back the tears. She’s lived here for five years and i know its probably hard for her to say goodbye, i didn’t want to upset her. As soon as my dad picked me up though the tears came pouring down.

I immediately texted Amanda who was away at camp, but i knew she would help somehow. The only thing i said was Sr. Mary isn’t coming back next year, i didn’t have to say any more she knew how i was feeling. “Its going to be ok.” She said, “God has a plan.”

Yepp.. He does i know… that plan of which i don’t  know. The grand plan bigger than myself. The Plan. God has a plan.

I went to bed as soon as i got home and ended up dreaming about Sr. Mary’s departure and Amanda’s words. God has a plan, it’s going to be ok. I promise.

My little brother woke me up for dinner and although i wasn’t hungry i knew i had to join the family. Afterwards i went for a bike ride to clear my head. I found some random lake in one of the back neighborhoods i’d never been to and sat out there a while praying about it.

I realized Sr. Mary came at a time when i seriously needed some moral guidance and support; i have been around her the past three years and although i don’t get to see her every day she has become my role model and ‘mentor.’

Every time i come home i try to convince my mom to stop by Villa so i can visit. Sr. Mary has become the adult who i can talk to about anything because she is so open even if it does have to do with my boyfriend, sorority life, drinking, or just my every day, she listens and although she doesn’t always have answers or a solution she gives me strength and encouragement which has helped so much within this first year of college to keep moving forward.

Of course the thing which everyone notices first is her Joy and that is what i am really going to miss the most. But as Sr. Clare told me today “Count your Blessings.”

Sitting by the lake i realized Sr. Mary has made such a huge impact in my life, one life, and obviously in many others lives at Villa, but i am back on my feet and i know i am where i need to be now. God’s plan. She has accomplished her work in my life– and soon she will be heading north to be with those girls and help them get back on their feet and guide them to know and love God. Bigger than me. So i have to let her go, i know she has more lives to touch and mountains to move and i want her to. I want other girls to know Sr. Mary and be able to count her as one of their many Blessings too.

I am so grateful God has given me such an awesome role model for these past three years, i wouldn’t be where i am if He hadn’t and that really isn’t exaggerating the truth. Although i have known for almost a week now i still cry when i have to think about saying goodbye. As my mom pointed out though i will still be able to talk to her through email or the phone and if i continue to work at camp i will still see her for a couple of summer’s to come. It’s definitely better than nothing and although it hurts me to know i won’t be able to come home and see her, i have to look at the bigger picture: The world does not revolve around me! She will be helping more people, and best of all she will be so close to her family which is awesome.

For now i have the rest of this week helping her at Villa and then summer camp for five weeks before i have to say goodbye for an entire year. That’s going to be really hard but i have to trust in God. As Amanda said it’s going to be ok, and i know it will.

Jeremiah 29:11

“¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Summer Lovin’

I didn’t want to leave school in any way and so decided to stay an extra week. It helped me get accustomed to the summer a lot more because i was able to say goodbye to everyone and those extra days help me come to terms that it was indeed time to say goodbye, for now.

Its not that i didn’t want to come home because i love my family but Leo is where i feel i belong right now. There isn’t a whole lot for me to do at home but as the days drew to a close i did become a bit more excited for summer. I would be able to spend some time with my family which i hadn’t done in forever, i knew i didn’t want to look back and regret the opportunities i could have had to be with them.

In the last week Sr. Mary called and asked me about the group i wanted to work with at camp! She was so upbeat and kept saying how she couldn’t wait until camp started and how much she was looking forward to it that i began to get really excited too.

Summer wouldn’t be too bad and although i miss a bunch of my sisters incredibly i am grateful we still have a way to communicate. God gave me this time to de-stress and grow for a reason so i am soaking it up. This week i have literally sat around the house, next week i will be able to visit my nun sisters at Villa and hang out with my high school friends. In six weeks i will be back up in Jersey which is a life-saver because i have a lot of things to work on in my prayer life and the sisters always help me out with that. Hopefully i can carry it on to carry to college; that is the real challenge.

I have really been slacking in the past semester and rarely took any quiet time; it was a lot of GO, GO, GO!! So of course, even between the sprained ankle and getting sick so often i still didn’t take the hint that i needed to chill. Now however, i have no choice. There is really nothing i can do other than flyers and forms for the play and clubs next semester. I am in bed by midnight and get ten hours plus of sleep. Soon my foot should completely healed which will be awesome because i can run again and since i’ve been home my stomach has been a ton better. My mom keeps joking  that i can live with her instead of go back to college but i am going to figure out a way to deal with stress without becoming sick.

Now that i am home i am actually happy to be here, it has been really nice to be with my family again. The first weekend back we went to Mass at my home parish which was so uplifting, i have really missed it. The priest we had was subbing but he was fantastic.

In his homily he explained that after Jesus rose from the tomb, Peter and John found it empty except for the linen clothes. The one covering his body was thrown on the floor while the one for his face was folded neatly and put on the shelf. In Jewish custom, during a meal, the head of the house will either crumple up his napkin and throw it on his plate to signify he is done and will not be returning or he will fold it neatly and put it on his plate to signify he will be back.

For Jesus to fold up the cloth covering his face was a real physical sign that he will be back that he is not leaving.

The priest reminded us to loosen up and have faith, to hope in the Lord because he is coming back and we have not been abandoned.

Crazy, in all my years of hearing homilies i have never learned that, i love it. I wish we had more priests like him who spoke so directly to us and helped us learn and grow. Jesus isn’t just a heavenly figure out of reach, he was a real walking, breathing, eating human! It makes faith in Him so much more relate-able.

That is what i learned in the first weekend… i have four months. Bring it on my Friend i’m ready!

I Give it All To You; Thank you.

Summer has arrived once again. This semester FLEW. I was accepted into the sorority i wanted which has been both thrilling and eye-opening. I really love my sisters and the new bonds i have made by being apart of the organization. Looking back a couple months ago i see the anxieties i had on my heart and mind before rushing:

I am so excited for all that lies ahead, but i have a lot of hesitance which has bled. How do i stick to me and yet still become apart of we? Is it possible or should i just forget it while i’m ahead? You have given me so much and then so much more. You take care of everything even the littlest thorn. Is this part of Your plan what i see in store? Or is this just my own heart settling on more? I want to do it but i’m afraid..is this what i value? Will i remain? Of course change is coming, that i don’t doubt, but is this a good thing that is being held out? I guess we will see if i become apart of we; hopefully i can still keep my identity.

To join i was a bit afraid, but everything worked out financially that i would be able to do it. However, i really didn’t know if it was God’s will or my own. Initiation was the hardest night by far, fortunately one of my sisters kept me from walking out the door. I haven’t thanked her but i am so grateful she didn’t let me go i would have seriously regretted it.

Later that night i broke down. Its sucks that i am the only one in the organization who doesn’t drink. Not to say they are all party animals or anything but initiation was a “celebration” and even girls who had never drank before in their lives were chugging it down. That was the hardest part.

For the weeks leading up to initiation the hot topic was drinking. I thought about it and seriously considered it. I talked it over with my “twin” many a times. One night when i was by myself going for a walk i was praying seriously about it and i realized i couldn’t drink. God had blessed me so incredibly much and in my gut knew i could not drink because it wouldn’t be right for me; i felt something bad would happen. I thought about the scholarships i had been given and the doors that seemed to just open like Stage Manager and Peer Minister, i didn’t want to take my chances and jeopardize any of that.

Three days later, at the start of Spring Break, i got a call from my elementary, junior high, high school friend who told me a friend of ours had died from alcohol overdose. I was in shock, we had gone to school with this girl for 8 years and didn’t imagine anything like that possible. It took a few days for her death to sink in. I told my mom the news the next day and she was equally, if not more, shocked. Later in the week she mentioned her concern for Mrs. A and how much she is probably devastated because Molly was her life. That solidified my shaky claim of not drinking.

When i returned to school the following week, initiation was only a week away. My throat still knotted to think about Molly and then to think of my sisters who would be celebrating afterward. On several occasions i broke down and went out by the lake to pray and think it out. During the week of, as i was on the phone with my mom i asked her why people drank and what was the huge deal because i really didn’t get it. I ended up breaking down again and again went down to the lake.

When my twin and i talked about it again i told her i explained why i had decided i wasn’t going to drink and i needed her to hold me accountable. As initiation approached i was feeling a little better, it wouldn’t be so bad. Come initiation night i was terrified though. It may not have been that bad but thinking of Molly and then seeing my sisters taking shot after shot i wanted to leave; i couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t drive and so depended on my granbig and another sister who were there hanging out. I didn’t want to ruin their night and ask them to leave so i just sat there.

When my twin came over to me for the third or fourth time to see how i was i asked her if she could come outside with me because i felt like i was going to vom. Being my “like-minded twin” she knew i was bothered and asked if it was getting to me. I burst out crying and told her i just wanted to go home but i didn’t want to make anybody leave. She of course didn’t care and was only concerned about me being uncomfortable and told my grandbig i wanted to go.

Now completely embarrassed we headed home to my granbig’s apt. I didn’t know what they were thinking or if i had upset them so i kept silent. When we got home, my granbig got me blankets to sleep and i thought that was the end but she sat down next to me and asked what was up. Every time i thought about talking my throat knotted up and my eyes threatened to leak again so i didn’t say anything for a long while. I was very frustrated but i couldn’t even think of a way to say what i was feeling.

I don’t remember if i ever did end up telling her the entirety of what was going through my head but she was incredibly patient and calmed me down so much just sitting with me. As Sr. Mary David said one time, BEING THERE makes all the difference because sometimes there are no words. I ended up falling asleep on her shoulder for i don’t know how long before she told me to go to bed. Waking up the following morning i thought i was going to vom again as everything came flooding back. I really wanted to leave but my sisters made me stay and wouldn’t let me go until they deemed i was happy enough.

We are not all the same in my sorority which i love. Each of us brings our own gifts and talents to the table and while we may not always agree, we try to be understanding and when it comes down to it, my sisters are there for each other. I know i have background issues with drinking that originated before i even knew them and they do not force me to drink. I haven’t explained it to more than a couple of people so they wouldn’t understand where i am coming from but they respect my decision.

I still don’t understand the huge deal or why a lot of them like to party so much but one day when i am able i will see for myself and maybe then i will understand. For now i hope and pray to God that my sisters will drink responsibly as most do and stay safe. I hope that i will never have to hear that one of my sisters died because of alcohol, that would be so much harder to bear than Molly’s death.

I can do nothing so i leave it in God’s hands. My ways are my own, My Friend please give me the strength to not drink in the semester’s to come and watch out for my sisters if need be when they do.

Prayer is the answer.

God, Your so good! Thank you!

Be strong in the LORD. NEVER give up Hope. Your gonna do great things, i already know. God has a plan for you so don’t live life in fear. Forgive and forget.. but don’t forget why your here.

Last wednesday my Sisters’ twin died which totally struck me out; it wasn’t even a curve ball. I was definitely not expecting to hear that when i called my dad and i was in disbelief and shock. All i could say was “what” and even after hearing it three times i still did not believe it true until i called my Sisters and they confirmed it.

Because of the situation, i greatly doubted God… life and prayer. I didn’t get it. I was so confused and didn’t know where to go and who to turn to. I spent hours sitting in the Chapel last Friday just rolling it over in my head but it made no sense. The tears would not stop either so i stayed to myself a bit. I have never met him, but it still hurt because  i knew my Sister was hurting and devastated.

We offered Mass for him and their family on Sunday. All week i have been trying to see the brighter picture in ‘God’s Plan’ but i couldn’t see it. I was a mess and i didn’t know how she was doing which has been a killer. I called my Sisters yesterday and they gave me an update and answered my prayers.

These past two days God has really been moving mountains and bringing me to different people who have really helped me make sense of the confusion. Jasmine really helped me understand Hope, something i have never really grasped. Later when i called one of my Sisters, she told me: death is not something we can understand nor get through on our own. The only way we are going to get through it is by Faith and turning to God. Later, Amanda sat down and prayed with me and played the song: Words i Would Say. We read Psalm 86 and Psalm 27:14.

Wait for the Lord; Be strong hearted and wait for the Lord.

After leaving her apartment, i felt a renewed Faith and Love and newly found Hope. Yeah, i still don’t understand the why but God is God and i am not. His plan shall unwind in due time and whether i ever know the reason or not doesn’t matter. I need to trust in Him because He is our loving Father and my Sister’s twin is now home, away from the pain of this world. I have no words which could ever remove that emptiness and pain she has, but i pray she will find Peace and Joy in God.

There is nothing i can do. Total surrender..they are in Your Hands my Friend.

I haven’t talked to my dad since last wednesday but i have spoken to my mom everyday and was trying to explain to her everything that was going on. She obviously talked to my dad about it because today i finally was able to call and talk to him and we had a 30 minute conversation. This is a God moment. This is record breaking. I don’t think i have ever talked to my dad for 30 minutes especially on a phone! Even better, he was mainly doing the talking and we talked about God and Faith and he was explaining to me how i can’t doubt God, God has a plan… i have to trust Him.

God is good. I don’t think we have ever had a conversation like that before.

My Lord, please watch over her and her family. Protect them and guard their hearts from doubt and anxiety. Let them mourn but know he now rests in you. Please spread Your peace and joy. I don’t know what the bright side is and maybe its not for me to know but please give them a new Hope that Your plan is unfolding and he is apart of a bigger picture and his mission here was completed. Remove any grief and struggles that are weighing down on them and help them to grow closer as a family and closer to You especially in this time of loss and sadness. Father, lift up his soul so he may rest with You and sing Your praises as he looks over them and watches out for them. Help us all to trust You despite ourselves. Your love is infinite and beyond measure.

 

RUSH!

This week is rush week at school, today was the final night for the intro parties hosted by the four different sororities. Tomorrow i can only go if i am invited and Saturday i find out whether i am accepted! This week has been EXHAUSTING mentally and physically, i have had a lot going on with school, clubs and two hours plus of Formal Recruitment every night so i have barely slept; but right now i’m pumped! I really had a great time at the parties tonight, i actually got up in front of everyone and did karaoke with Erica which was SOOO much fun!We sang Natasha Beddingfield, Unwritten. AWESOME SONG!

I know which organization i am going for. All or nothing.

My Friend it is in Your hands now. Let Your will be done!

Do the little things with GREAT LOVE.

Today i went to a soup kitchen with a group called, LOVE ONE ANOTHER. The experience was amazing. This morning i didn’t know what to expect and i put it in God’s Hands. When i was younger i always wanted to go to the soup kitchen and serve the homeless or the needy and make them smile.

Coming to college has finally given me the opportunity to do this. This was my second time serving with the Love One another group. Last time i went, i stood in the kitchen and scooped ice into cups. Not exactly what i wanted to do but i figured there was a lesson to be learned from it. Yeah, i was scooping ice and not interacting with people but without me doing this these people wouldn’t have cold drinks. I kept remembering Mother Teresa’s saying: “Do little things with GREAT LOVE.” So for a few hours thats exactly what i did.

Because i was in the kitchen though i bonded with a lady who was washing dishes and a pastor who taught me about God’s love and read me a little bit from the Bible. I can’t remember what the exact lesson is now but at the time, it’s what i really needed and i realized my ice-job turned out to be a blessing.

Today, i actually had the chance to serve the homeless and needy people who came in for a meal. i was a little nervous…what do i say? i want to reach out. but how? I took a deep breath and began with drinks. I was so happy to be there finally and was smiling a lot. When i walked around with Mandy and tried to engage a couple of people in conversation nobody said much more than two words or smiled. It was really a bit daunting. Then i started doubting myself. Can i do this? Then i felt too overdressed.. i knew i wouldn’t be able to head back to my dorm once we got back to school so i had dressed for Mass: black pants and a nice button down. These people here and even those i was volunteering with were in jeans and tee-shirts.

When i smiled and nobody smiled back i thought they must be thinking about how i think i am better than them because here i come all nice dressed and serving them and think i am doing some good deed and it bothered me. I gave it to God and decided i was going to keep smiling and trying anyway and make sure they know i don’t think i am better than any of them and i was here to serve them because i truely did want to help. i had been praying i would be able to make a difference.

When we first started serving there was a middle-aged lady sitting by herself and when i smiled at her she just looked back at me almost a little hostilely. I cringed. My heart said the opposite. This was the lady. I knew before the end of the day i would be having a conversation with her, i needed to talked to her. Lucy, the woman in charge began in prayer and then we the volunteers began taking orders. Immediately i turned to this lady and asked her what she wanted and then got her the food. I continued about the cafeteria taking orders, bringing food and refilling drinks. I continued to smile and talk to people and make sure they were comfortable and had everything they needed. It was nice, i really enjoyed it.

Over an hour and a half later, i found myself seated next to the lady. I don’t even remember HOW our conversation started but i was so happy to finally be talking to her. God is a funny funny Guy!! Again, i don’t even know how the topic came up but the lady, Cathy, began telling me about how important family is. She told me about her mother and how even though she is 46 years old she still calls her mom every day sometimes three times a day just to check on her and see how she is.

I was fixing to cry, long story short, i have been working through this since leaving home. I would get so mad/frustrated with my mom because she expects me to call her everyday and then gets mad when i don’t. Cathy told me EXACTLY how it felt when her son never called her or cared enough to. She was fixing to cry and i could see and feel how much it pained her.

Then she apologized for babbling but said this was really important that i know.

I thanked her and explained to her what had been going on in my own life. God, this semester has really been trying to get this message of the importance of family ESPECIALLY talking to my mom, through to me. Even in Mass and all the memorials and funerals we have been doing. Today, from a complete stranger, He again speaks. It wasn’t just a story. She literally wanted me to understand how important it is that i understand the importance of what she was trying to tell me about calling my mom EVERY DAY and staying close to my family.

Its not just a coincidence. That is God answering my mom’s prayer; the one she has been telling me about. How she is really trying to let me go but keeps praying to God that i understand how she feels and how important it is to her that i call every day. I am so excited to talk to my mom tomorrow and tell her the story!!!

In the last half hour that i was there a family walks in with two little kids. They knew Cathy and sat at the table with us. I was smiling and talking to the little girl who was in pre-k. She was adorable! Then when i was talking to Cathy about food deliciousness the little one gets up and takes off the gold beads she was wearing and comes behind me and puts them over my head. She steps back looks and just beams and then goes to get a drink. The mom and grandma were fixing to walk out the door, so i took off the beads called her over and told her not to forget her beads. She wouldn’t take them, “I want you to keep them!”

My Lord and My God! Thank You. You once again reminded me of my own little ones when i first started working with the kids and the total love they have. That openness and trust. AMAZING.

______________________________

Cathy and i talked for quite a long time and when i looked up i noticed the cafe was basically empty except for volunteers who were wiping down table and cleaning windows. I realized i wasn’t working, i was instead sitting here talking. Then i remembered the Mary and Martha story about balancing work and prayer and i realized for once, i was finally being a Mary. Instead of working and being in action i was sitting down and listening. In a way i felt like i was sitting at Jesus’ feet because of the irony of the conversation and the road it turned down. Divine Providence… this is crazyy!! The conversation i had with Cathy was definitely not by chance and her insistence that i understand the importance of talking to my mom every day was definitely a message God was trying to get through to me. Had i been working instead of taking the time to sit and listen i really would have missed this valuable lesson.

LOVE ONE ANOTHER was definitely experience i won’t forget and i am excited to go back again and see what God has in store next time.

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Another God-moment was right before the start of Mass, i am still learning the ropes of being a Sacristan so i was trying to make sure everything was right and there was a few last minute changes.. and then the guy who was going to Altar Serve had actually never done it before so i asked him if i could do it and then i would have him trained. I am hurriedly putting the Alb on when Mel walks up to me and says “I really feel the need to give you a hug right now.” I paused, realized i was stressing, gave her a hug back and smiled!

THANKS MY FRIEND!! You are so good to me! I really needed that reminder of Your Love and presence right now! For the rest of the Mass whenever i felt the anxiety i remembered her hug and His Love and i felt Peace.

This week has been amazing.

PM Blessed!

This WEEK has definitely been one of those EPIC weeks! I can’t even describe how much i LOVE being a Peer Minister. This ‘job’  has really really helped me so much just to open my eyes to the needs of others and to the infinite Blessings God has given me EVERY DAY.

Last Sunday, i posted Front burner. there was SOO much one my heart and mind weighing me down and there was a lot of grief and struggle. Today i feel like flying!

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Monday i had a HUGE god-moment with my mom. She asked if i was going to be a nun out of the blue. I told her i wasn’t sure yet, right now i was in school and we would see where God leads me from there. She told me to keep following God where ever it is that He calls!! Then later i was able to see my Sisters!! When i got back to school Amanda and i had dinner and then she invited me to Praise and Worship which definitely adding to my day making! And then Monday night Erica, Mandy and i had our heart to hearts in the Chapel which was beyond words.

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Tuesday was pretty cool. We learned about LOVE in Christian Spirituality! (Love of God, Neighbor, Community, Particular Persons and Self) I was still anxious about a situation though and praying hard.

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Wednesday i had to get up early-ish to have breakfast with our PM group: ‘AGAPE’- its Greek for UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!! I really enjoy our breakfast meetings on Wednesdays because we are able to talk and share about our week, pray together and laugh a lot! We started do our reflections on the book: Imitation of Christ. Magda asked the four of us to share our God moments. I had so many i didn’t even know where to begin but i know which was the biggest.. i didn’t know just how to put it into words. When i hesitated to share, Mandy said to Magda, “Its like pulling nose hairs trying to get Dom to open up!”

I felt bad, i have been trying to be more open, we had already had a discussion about it. Plus, this was about God’s GOODNESS!! This one i should be proclaiming off the rooftops! Everyone shared their God moment and then Magda turned to me, “Alright, let’s hear! Come on!” They already knew the background so i told them about my mom asking me out foo the blue if i was going to be a nun and her later response to the question. ON TOP of that, that same morning right before we began our meeting i opened up and email from her ..”Just remember to always pray and relax a bit for yourself too- you are an amazing person and God has big plans for you.” I couldn’t stop smiling!

Later in the day we had a Bible Study with Mel and we talked about sin and service and just LOVE.

Wednesday was also Praise and Worship night and Mel’s birthday! Praise and Worship brought me to tears because i realized my prayers had been answered. Maybe not completely yet, but God was definitely working. After Praise and Worship, Amanda, Leslie, Mel and i went to hang out and celebrate Melissa’s birthday and we ended up having a really good discussion.

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Thursday i was really looking forward too because my pray buddy was Melissa and we got together for lunch and just talked and i learned more about her. Right before we closed we read me a prayer, “I said a prayer for you today…” which reminded me about my friend who i had really been praying for because it was my exact prayer but on card form. I was so… amazed, shocked, joyous, thankful… .God is too good to me.

As we were leaving the cafe we ran into Amanda. She had this strange- crazy- awesome God-moment the previous night. In the place her, Leslie, Mel and i were hanging out Wednesday, a man walked in. He started telling part of his story to the man sitting at the counter. He had hitch-hiked all the way down from Gainesville and was a drug addict. After a little bit he asked to use the bathroom, the owner showed him to it and them warmed up some pizza for him to eat but by the time she came back with it, he had already left.

I didn’t think anything of it, i went to bed that night consumed by homework and exhaustion. Amanda however could not sleep for the life of her and kept thinking about this man. So she got up, made him a peanut butter and fluff sandwich and then set out to find him. I was incredulous and shocked that she had actually gone back out into the streets to see this man! She said she prayed for protection and she prayed to find this man if it was God’s Will. Well… she did. She gave him the fluff sandwich and they started talking. He basically told her his life story and about how he had lost his way from Christ. She had a Bible with her and pulled it out and they began praying together from Jeremiah about how the Lord had a plan for him and how his life truly meant something. She met Jesus in that man; right where he was at in the most unexpected of places and ways and i am sure he definitely met Jesus in her.

She explained to me the why which made perfect sense. I am still amazed. She felt the need to go visit this man and she did. Its definitely a Pay It Forward moment. Only God knows what an impact she just made and how far this will reach! Thanks my Friend.

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Friday was a nice relaxing day, i caught up on getting my life in order and helped this girl with her application video to Covecrest. Since starting Leo, i have really been struggling with her for a bunch of different reasons. Some legit and some just her being an annoyance. Its noticeable though and obviously she felt it because she stopped coming around as much and my parents made a comment about it when they came up. They asked me how come i didn’t like her because it was like a “complete flip of the  switch” as soon as she walked over.

At the Peer Minister retreat before this semester, she was on my mind a lot; especially when we were talking about LOVING. I made a couple of  notes:

Blood of Cross… Can’t hold bondage to others when we ourselves have been forgiven.

Die to ourselves daily. Pick up your Cross. ONGOING CONVERSION.

Repent of what really makes you tic.

These three had her name written ALL over them. I kept thinking i am holding this grudge against her but yet Christ has not held my faults and mistakes against me and they are much greater! So if He has forgiven me and given me this Joy and this Peace, i NEED to forgive her because its not right how i am treating her; or in this case not treating her with LOVE. The third note is about giving it to God.

So this semester, i have really been trying to change how i am and love her more, try and see Jesus in her. I still get annoyed sometimes but i repent and give it to God! We spent a couple hours on this video and i actually had a good time. We definitely laughed a lot and because of the discernment portion, we talked a bit and i told her my two greatest weaknesses are my attitude and my frustration.

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Saturday was another chill day and we had a family game night/girl’s night. We painted finger and toe nails, played Twister and Apple’s to Apple’s, it was so much fun! Again, a couple of people made a comment about how i was around so much more this semester and how they really liked having me ‘back.’ On one hand i feel guilty because i never realized i wasn’t hanging around them a whole lot and on the other i feel happy because i am glad to be with them spending quality time and glad i realized (because of my PM ‘job’) that i need to be WITH the girls more in order to minister to them. Just being around makes all the difference.

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Today, Sunday, i woke up early and went to work on a group project then joined a bunch of my other friends in the cafe for breakfast. At 12:30 we left to serve at a Soup Kitchen called LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

At the breakfast table, a friend looks at me and says “thanks.” i was so confused. “For what?” i asked. Again he said “Thanks, your a good Peer Minister.” Then it clicked.

Friday night a friend came to me with a conflict between her, another friend and this guy. All three are going through Confirmation together which is how we met the guy. She told me her part of the story and what she knew of the other girls part but they really didn’t make any sense. Her and the other girl were going to talk about it later so i told her if they needed help or anything let me know. Later in the evening i get a phone call so i went to their room and they each told me their side of the story and why they had a big problem with this guy. I was baffled. I thought about it and prayed, i had no idea what to say.

The story didn’t make a whole lot of sense and i wasn’t getting his side. I asked if we could call him in but they didn’t want to for a couple different reasons and one was not ready to forgive him or even talk to him. She didn’t even want to be friends with him anymore. I said they are going through Confirmation together and she said yeah but its her personal journey so it didn’t matter.

At this point i put it in God’s hands. I drew from something i had just recently read and prayed about and i explained to her the importance and i just let the Spirit do His work. I guess what ‘i’ said worked, although props are all to God, i had no idea what to say. It was pretty cool to actually see that i was able to do something right as a Peer Minister and really be there for the needs of my fellow peers and friends.

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These past couple of weeks i have really been reflecting on my ‘job,’ which is more of a lifestyle, and if i am doing it “right.” Am i reaching out to those in need? Am i actually helping anyone? How can i get to knwo more of these girls? How do i connect with them? How do i let them knwo i am here for them? The night on retreat when Mel’s pen stopped working and i was out in the living room when she came out because i couldn’t sleep, we talked she told me the answer. I need to build a relationship with them, because as i told her i am not going to go to some random person with my problems.

I wrote a letter to my girls on the 2nd and 3rd floor introducing myself and i gave them my number so they could call since i am not usually in my room. I hope within the coming semester i will come to know them better and be of assistance in any way possible. God please work through me and use me.

I am so happy i have this PM position because it has really helped me reach out even more to people, open myself up, pray in PUBLIC, let the Spirit move and it has just opened my eyes to the ways God is working. This week has been such a wonder and my heart is so Joyous. The past three days i have woken up with a song in my head and started singing! I love You my Friend. Thank You.

I Said a Prayer for You Today:

I said a prayer for you today

And God must have heard

I felt the answer in my heart

Although He spoke not a word.

I didn’t ask for wealth or fame

(I knew you wouldn’t mind)

I asked for priceless treasures rare

Of a more lasting kind.

I prayed that he’d be near you

At the start of each new day.

To grant you health and blessings fair,

And friends to share your way

I asked for happiness for you

In all things great and small

But that you’d know His loving care

I prayed most of all.”

In our Peer Ministry team each week we draw prayer partners. This week mine was Melissa. We had a lunch date today and she read me this prayer card and gave it to me. This has been my EXACT prayer for the past couple of weeks for a friend of mine. God is a funny man. Yesterday i knew in my heart my prayer had been answered, i finally saw the Joy in her face again! It made my day. Thanks my Friend.

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Last night we had Praise and Worship which was AWESOME!! We sang songs new and old; there is something about music which is so compelling. It just draws you in and to one person it may give one message and to another something else, unique and just for them. This morning i woke up really tired but my heart and head were singing: “Let the River Flow.”

This song i have heard a couple times but i am not too familiar with it, the message it amazing though.

Let the poor man say
I am rich in Him
Let the lost man say
I am found in Him
Let the river flow

Let the blind man say
I can see again
Let the dead man say
I am born again
Let the river flow
Let the river flow

Let the river flow
Let the river flow
Holy Spirit come
Move in power
Let the river flow

Just be open and let the Spirit move and work through you. Earthly struggles are no match for God because He conquers all, even death both physical and spiritual. Do not deny Him when He needs you, have faith and let His Glory shine. He doesn’t call the READY but the WILLING. Your good to go so “BE WHO YOU ARE!”

It’s those little Graces….

It’s those little graces that make all the difference. Those moments of pure Joy that come from the depth of pain. The sharing of thoughts and struggles deep within that bonds hearts.

I have spent the last six hours with a fellow PM, Erica and the last two and a half of that with both her and Mandy. God is so good! I really really needed this. We talked about everything under the sun: Past, Present and Future. It was intense.. tears, joys, pain, sorrow, anger, struggles, faith, denial, comfort. JESUS. We spent the past couple of hours in the Chapel before Him sharing and talking.

I realized earlier in the night i really needed some Chapel time and bam! Prayer answered. My heart is filled and i am ready to take on whatever it is God has in store this week and whatever road bumps come along.

Keep Faith. Keep Loving no matter what. God works in WONDERFUL ways.

“Wait for the LORD with courage;
be stouthearted,
and wait for the LORD.”

God, you answered my prayers once again, even the littlest one that was a mere wish passing through my head. They made my day, thank You so much. Once again, You caught me off guard and threw me MANY more Blessings that i wasn’t even expecting.

Thank You for letting my ankle be nothing more than a sprain. Thank You for letting me spend time with and talk to my mom. Thank You for keeping my dad safe. Thank You for letting me see my Sisters; that was such an unexpected surprise! Thank You for dinner with Amanda. Thank You for the invite to Praise and Worship practice. Thank You for the Imago Dei meeting. Thank You for the time with Erica. Thank You for the Chapel time with Jesus, Mandy and Erica. Thank You so much for all the laughs until the tears came pouring down my face tonight.

Life isn’t perfect, but its right.

“If you love until it hurts there can no more hurt only love.”

My Friend i have been loving until it really hurts but please keep helping me to love past that hurt and pain until Your Love consumes all of that hurt. You know what i ask before the words even brush my heart, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

My life is Yours.