Summer has arrived once again. This semester FLEW. I was accepted into the sorority i wanted which has been both thrilling and eye-opening. I really love my sisters and the new bonds i have made by being apart of the organization. Looking back a couple months ago i see the anxieties i had on my heart and mind before rushing:
I am so excited for all that lies ahead, but i have a lot of hesitance which has bled. How do i stick to me and yet still become apart of we? Is it possible or should i just forget it while i’m ahead? You have given me so much and then so much more. You take care of everything even the littlest thorn. Is this part of Your plan what i see in store? Or is this just my own heart settling on more? I want to do it but i’m afraid..is this what i value? Will i remain? Of course change is coming, that i don’t doubt, but is this a good thing that is being held out? I guess we will see if i become apart of we; hopefully i can still keep my identity.
To join i was a bit afraid, but everything worked out financially that i would be able to do it. However, i really didn’t know if it was God’s will or my own. Initiation was the hardest night by far, fortunately one of my sisters kept me from walking out the door. I haven’t thanked her but i am so grateful she didn’t let me go i would have seriously regretted it.
Later that night i broke down. Its sucks that i am the only one in the organization who doesn’t drink. Not to say they are all party animals or anything but initiation was a “celebration” and even girls who had never drank before in their lives were chugging it down. That was the hardest part.
For the weeks leading up to initiation the hot topic was drinking. I thought about it and seriously considered it. I talked it over with my “twin” many a times. One night when i was by myself going for a walk i was praying seriously about it and i realized i couldn’t drink. God had blessed me so incredibly much and in my gut knew i could not drink because it wouldn’t be right for me; i felt something bad would happen. I thought about the scholarships i had been given and the doors that seemed to just open like Stage Manager and Peer Minister, i didn’t want to take my chances and jeopardize any of that.
Three days later, at the start of Spring Break, i got a call from my elementary, junior high, high school friend who told me a friend of ours had died from alcohol overdose. I was in shock, we had gone to school with this girl for 8 years and didn’t imagine anything like that possible. It took a few days for her death to sink in. I told my mom the news the next day and she was equally, if not more, shocked. Later in the week she mentioned her concern for Mrs. A and how much she is probably devastated because Molly was her life. That solidified my shaky claim of not drinking.
When i returned to school the following week, initiation was only a week away. My throat still knotted to think about Molly and then to think of my sisters who would be celebrating afterward. On several occasions i broke down and went out by the lake to pray and think it out. During the week of, as i was on the phone with my mom i asked her why people drank and what was the huge deal because i really didn’t get it. I ended up breaking down again and again went down to the lake.
When my twin and i talked about it again i told her i explained why i had decided i wasn’t going to drink and i needed her to hold me accountable. As initiation approached i was feeling a little better, it wouldn’t be so bad. Come initiation night i was terrified though. It may not have been that bad but thinking of Molly and then seeing my sisters taking shot after shot i wanted to leave; i couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t drive and so depended on my granbig and another sister who were there hanging out. I didn’t want to ruin their night and ask them to leave so i just sat there.
When my twin came over to me for the third or fourth time to see how i was i asked her if she could come outside with me because i felt like i was going to vom. Being my “like-minded twin” she knew i was bothered and asked if it was getting to me. I burst out crying and told her i just wanted to go home but i didn’t want to make anybody leave. She of course didn’t care and was only concerned about me being uncomfortable and told my grandbig i wanted to go.
Now completely embarrassed we headed home to my granbig’s apt. I didn’t know what they were thinking or if i had upset them so i kept silent. When we got home, my granbig got me blankets to sleep and i thought that was the end but she sat down next to me and asked what was up. Every time i thought about talking my throat knotted up and my eyes threatened to leak again so i didn’t say anything for a long while. I was very frustrated but i couldn’t even think of a way to say what i was feeling.
I don’t remember if i ever did end up telling her the entirety of what was going through my head but she was incredibly patient and calmed me down so much just sitting with me. As Sr. Mary David said one time, BEING THERE makes all the difference because sometimes there are no words. I ended up falling asleep on her shoulder for i don’t know how long before she told me to go to bed. Waking up the following morning i thought i was going to vom again as everything came flooding back. I really wanted to leave but my sisters made me stay and wouldn’t let me go until they deemed i was happy enough.
We are not all the same in my sorority which i love. Each of us brings our own gifts and talents to the table and while we may not always agree, we try to be understanding and when it comes down to it, my sisters are there for each other. I know i have background issues with drinking that originated before i even knew them and they do not force me to drink. I haven’t explained it to more than a couple of people so they wouldn’t understand where i am coming from but they respect my decision.
I still don’t understand the huge deal or why a lot of them like to party so much but one day when i am able i will see for myself and maybe then i will understand. For now i hope and pray to God that my sisters will drink responsibly as most do and stay safe. I hope that i will never have to hear that one of my sisters died because of alcohol, that would be so much harder to bear than Molly’s death.
I can do nothing so i leave it in God’s hands. My ways are my own, My Friend please give me the strength to not drink in the semester’s to come and watch out for my sisters if need be when they do.
